The Many Faces of Demonic Possession

A guide to stopping evil before evil stops you

By Frank Paiva

Originally published on MSN Movies (original link lost)

Regina was your typical little girl. She loved her mommy and daddy. She ate cotton candy at a dangerous rate.

One Sunday Regina’s parents forgot to take her to church. They were too busy watching football. The next Sunday they forgot again. And the next Sunday and the Sunday after that. It was only a matter of time before Satan caught Regina on her walk home from school. 

He offered her an endless supply of cotton candy. That was all it took to possess her soul.

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Victor was your typical little boy. He loved his mommy and daddy. He ate Chicken McNuggets at a dangerous rate.

Victor’s family moved into a new house. Bad things started to happen. At night screams sounded from the attic. Victor decided to investigate and found a creepy old box. His fate was sealed the moment he opened it.

The evil spirit didn’t offer a single McNugget. It just went right ahead and possessed his soul.

What happened to Regina and Victor could happen to any child. Why else would Hollywood keep making movies about possessed kids? It’s not because they’re out of ideas. It’s because they’re trying to warn us.

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This week marks the release of “The Possession,” a horror flick starring Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Kyra Sedgwick as parents of a seriously disturbed young woman named Em. The film’s poster shows Em spitting up moths and bats and who knows what else, so it’s probably too late for her.

But it’s not too late for your children. Or even yourself. Evil isn’t ageist. If it sees a juicy soul, it’ll jump at the opportunity.

Protect your loved ones by familiarizing yourself with The Many Faces of Demonic Possession. We know they aren’t pretty to look at, but these cautionary examples might save your life:

Regan MacNeil (Linda Blair) in ‘The Exorcist’ (1973)

It makes sense to start with the most famous case. “The Exorcist” is the reason few Americans have opted for pea soup at lunch since the early 70s.

When 12-year-old Regan starts acting up, her parents suspect puberty is to blame. If only the answer were as simple as raging hormones. The culprit is actually Pazuzu, a demon king from Assyrian and Babylonian mythology.

All it took was an archeologist uncovering one ancient Pazuzu amulet for the demon to take hold of a human. Which brings us to our first lesson:

Never wear old jewelry under any circumstances. Even if it was your grandmother’s. Sure she’s passing down her legacy, but she could also be passing down her ancient Babylonian curse. Err on the side of caution.

The only 100% safe solution is the costume jewelry they sell on QVC. The pieces are nice looking and made from about a dollar’s worth of plastic. Best of all, they’re curse free.

Abby Williams (Carol Speed) in ‘Abby’ (1974)

“The Exorcist” was a major box office hit. It inspired about a half dozen knockoffs in the mid-70s, including this blaxploitation gem. The title character is a marriage counselor whose new father-in-law is an exorcist in Africa. Eshu, the Yoruba deity of misfortune, follows him home and takes a liking to Abby. And you thought your in-laws were scary.

And now for our second rule:

Use common sense! If you’re a marriage counselor, you should know better than anyone about what does and doesn’t make a good marriage. Marrying into a family that removes demons from people is not a recipe for long-term success. Eventually one of them will make its way to you.

Have you ever heard of a baker’s wife being possessed by a demon? How about the wife of a dog walker? No. Those women get to eat sweets and pet puppies. Follow in their footsteps.

Jennifer (Megan Fox) in ‘Jennifer’s Body’ (2009)

Demons possess people of all ages, but they seem especially fond of teenagers. Take the title character in “Jennifer’s Body.” She’s a super popular and super hot cheerleader. Usually that makes someone the envy of less popular girls. In poor Jennifer’s case, it made her the envy of evil.

Jennifer becomes a succubus, a female demon who takes human form in order to seduce and then destroy men. So remember guys:

If a woman who’s a little out of your league seems overly anxious to sleep with you, it isn’t the greatest day of your life. It’s the worst day of your life, because she’s probably possessed and will eat you before you even open a condom.

If you’re a hyper handsome heterosexual man of Ryan Gosling or above caliber, then don’t have sex with anyone. Demons love to destroy beauty. It’s simply too risky.

Florence “Chicklet” Forrest (Lauren Ambrose) in ‘Psycho Beach Party’ (2000)

Sometimes what may seem like demonic possession is actually a legitimate medical condition. Take Chicklet for example. She fits the usual victim profile: She’s a young, beautiful, and popular teenage girl. Sometimes her foul-mouthed alter ego takes over and she can’t control her body. Then she blacks out and the next morning people are dead. 

An open and shut case, right? Don’t be so quick to judge.

It’s important never to self-diagnose demonic possession. WebMD might help with your cold, but it won’t do much for battling evil spirits or multiple personality disorder. Always seek the counsel of a qualified medical and/or religious professional. 

And above all else never, ever perform an exorcism on yourself. Don’t be cheap. Spend the money to get it done right.

The cast of ‘Night of the Demons’ (1988)

All of our cases so far have addressed demonic possession of individuals, but it’s also common for demons to capriciously jump from one host to another.

Take the teenagers in “Night of the Demons.” They’ve decided to throw a Halloween party at an abandoned mortuary. Not only is the mortuary abandoned, it was also the site of a mass murder. Not only was it the site of a mass murder, but the kids decide to conduct a séance to contact the lost souls.

Halloween is a dangerous holiday because it breeds this kind of stupidity. While committing such a dangerous act might have seemed fun or scary at the time, it led to ugly demon face that makes normal teen acne look like a cakewalk.

If you must celebrate Halloween, do it somewhere where nothing bad is likely to happen. We recommend Santa’s workshop at the North Pole.

Kichi’s mother (Nobuko Otowa) in ‘Onibaba’ (1965)

The demon threat depicted in “Onibaba” is so serious that it appears in the esteemed Criterion Collection alongside artier movies about marital malaise and the pointlessness of life.

This black and white Japanese drama follows a woman and her daughter-in-law forced to survive during brutal civil war in the 14th century. Their scheme is luring samurai to a pit, killing them, and then selling their weapons. It’s all fine and good until the woman starts wearing a demon mask left behind by one of her marks.

This would seem to be an obvious rule, but we’ll state it anyway:

Do not wear a mask under any circumstances. It is likely possessed and will attach itself to your face. It’s no coincidence that most of cinema’s most famous serial killers like Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Leatherface wear masks. If you want to dress in costume, use the old standby of a white bed sheet. You can be a ghost or an ancient Greek.

Please note that the no mask rule also applies to doctors performing surgery, carpenters sanding a deck, and socialites attending masquerade balls. 

The cast of ‘Uzumaki’ (2000)

Modern day Japan is no safer than its 14th century counterpart. The early 2000s saw a wave of Japanese ghost movies remade on American soil, including “The Ring,” “Dark Water,” and “The Grudge.” In Japan ghosts can apparently possess anything and everything. 

But one movie that didn’t make it across the pond goes a step further. They show how ghosts not only terrorize the living, but force aesthetic principles onto them. And if “Uzumaki” is any indication, ghosts really like spirals.

“Uzumaki” follows a small town that becomes obsessed with spirals. Soon people are twisting too hard and breaking their bones to achieve the desired shape. Others are turning into snails.

Japan is a beautiful country at the forefront of technology, fashion, and culture. But it’s also evidently jam-packed with ghosts, so be very careful on your next trip to Tokyo.

John Malkovich (John Malkovich) in ‘Being John Malkovich’ (1999)

Celebrities possessed by demons? That would certainly explain a lot.

There are dozens of celebrities who’ve taken an inexplicable turn toward crazy town. Sometimes the problem stems from drug or alcohol abuse. Sometimes it stems from an inflated sense of self worth. But there’s only one documented example of celebrity possession, and that’s John Malkovich.

“Being John Malkovich” follows a group of people who discover a portal into actor John Malkovich’s head. Their mind swap causes a host of problems for the two-time Oscar nominee, who doesn’t appreciate his brain becoming a vacation destination.

It’s not only demons that can get inside our heads. It’s other people. Whether it was the mean girl in high school that told us we looked fat, or that guy on the bus who smiled at us with his gorgeous dimples whose dreamy eyes are impossible to ignore. People can be just as dangerous as an evil spirit.

If you forget all the other rules in this guide, try to remember this: The best way to protect your brain is by embracing positive thoughts and banishing negative ones.

And if anyone tells you their father is an exorcist, for the love of God, don’t marry them.